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Thursday, August 21, 2008

More Vintage Grumet

When I was in high school I took choir for credit. This meant I had to attend choir class every other day, and attend smaller group lessons once a week. The group lessons were offered during the regular school day on a rotating schedule, which meant I was excused from an academic class once a week to attend the choir lesson.

The choir lessons weren't actually that bad, and in truth it was sometimes fun to be legally excused from French or physics. But when I was a senior, I decided for some reason to skip all of my lessons. I skipped just a few at first, but then it seemed like no one noticed, so I kept on skipping the lessons.

Well, my choir teacher had, in fact, noticed, and she told me at the end of the third quarter that I would fail choir for the year unless I wrote a five-paged paper on a musician to compensate for my missed lessons. I wrote the following, dated March 31, 1989:

Elvis Lives

Elvis Presley is like my diety and I think he is a really great and talented and superfluous musician. He sings. He is like a really good singer and this paper will discuss that I think he's alive.

The reason I think that Elvis Presley is alive is because he is an immortal diety and there have been studies that shown that immortal people don't usually like die plus the Enquirer said he was alive and they don't lie. They are a very respectable newspaper and it always tells the truth, however, it said that a guy was reincarnated as a dog and he really was and I know he was because there was a picture.

Elvis Presley was born in 1935. He sang "All Shook Up" and he joined the army, hence his singing career started off slow because he skipped all his voice lessons in high school so he never had time to sing because he spent all his time writing reports. However, some people still think he's dead but he can't be because he's immortal and I guess they never read the study I did.

Elvis wore sequins on his suit and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and studies have shown that tea costs 40.493 cents in China, subsequently he lives.

The fourth reason I think he is alive is because I have all his records and they are really good. Studies have shown that millions of people think he is good and they all think he is alive too. A survey was given out last year and 97.853% think he is alive but I think he is too.

The last reason that Elvis is alive is that he had to be and I would have been doleful if he wasn't. I am not doleful and I most surely would be if Elvis were not alive so I would say that that definitely proves they are alive. Studies have shown that people are doleful when they die.

Clearly, Elvis is alive and I am glad that he is. Elvis was born in Tupelo, Miss, and began performing in 1953.

Bibliography (see above):

Study 1
Study 2
Study 3
Study 4
National Enquirer

I didn't actually submit this report to my choir teacher; I gave her a paper on Beethoven instead. However, I made copies of the Elvis paper and distributed the copies to my friends. My friend Greg kept his copy and found it a couple weeks ago, nineteen years after I wrote it. How cool is that? Thanks, Greg!

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